I should have known that when my doctors office was literally shoving books and pamphlets into my hands about how to change a diaper, how to feed my baby and “What To Expect When Expecting” that those were going to be as close to owners manuals as I was going to get.  Since then I have found some great books with wonderful advice, and I have found some that have just been a load of fluff.  After blogging recently about rules and discipline I remembered a great book that I read that really helped me when I was at my wits end.  It’s called “Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood – Practical Parenting from Birth to Six Years”.  If you’re not familiar with Jim Fay and Charles Fay Ph.D. they have many books, seminars and classes that teach about “Love and Logic” with regards to raising kids.  I haven’t read a ton of their material (there’s a lot of it) but I have to say with regards to this book I found their advice very useful and practical.  There are seminars I have listened to on CD that have also been funny, entertaining and helpful.  I would recommend purchasing their books, instead of borrowing them from the library, so that you can highlight and take notes in them.  If you’re anything like me I have to refer back to it at least a dozen times and that’s just for my first kid, not to mention when my second, third and fourth came along.  Amazon sells it for around $17 new and about $14 used.  I would let you borrow my copy but chances are I’ll need to reference it again tomorrow.

            If you have a favorite parenting book you like please let me know about it!  I’m always trying to stay one step ahead of my kids, but usually I find myself saying “That’s a new one . . . I wonder what that would fall under in an owner’s manual” and then I run to my computer to find a new book, or a helpful Mommy blog.   :-)

            Chores are one of those things that fall nicely under respect.  We respect our things by taking care of them.  Putting away our toys, making our beds, cleaning the bathroom, are all ways that we show respect for the things we have and for each other.  I have this amazing dream that there will come a day when my boy will show his future wife respect by cleaning up after himself!  Some day she’ll thank me.  

            By the way Susan . . . THANK YOU!!!

            Good manners also fall under the respect rule.  We show respect by saying please and thank you and not talking with our mouths full of food.  Again, I have a dream that one day my boy will politely hold the door open for an adorable girl and she’ll take notice.    Better yet, I hope my daughters take notice of the respectful young man that holds the door open for them!

            Again Susan . . . THANK YOU!!!

            Taking care of our bodies also falls under respect.  We respect our God given bodies by grooming, taking baths, eating healthy foods, getting enough rest, and exercising.  We believe that our bodies are a blessing from God and that when we properly take care of them life is richer, fuller, and longer.  Yep, I have a dream that when my kids grow up they will respect their bodies by not smoking or doing drugs.

            Susan . . . THANK YOU!!!

            As you can tell respect for me and my family is pretty important.  It does take extra time and effort to teach our kids the deeper meaning behind “please don’t fart at the dinner table”, but in the end it really could mean that mother’s dreams do come true.

            (By the way, for those of you who didn’t know, my mother-in-law is Susan.   )

            I asked my kids yesterday if they knew what our family rules were.  My seven years old answered “Be nice” and my five year old said “Don’t hit”.  You can obviously see what they have heard most often.  :-)  The more we talked about it seems that we do have a lot of little rules but they all boil down to one really BIG one:  RESPECT.  (If I could only figure out how to play the song on my web site!)

            We are ultimately trying to teach our children to respect themselves and have respect for other people, their thoughts, things, space and time.  Yes, this is a massive concept (even for some adults) but when we break it down into small, age appropriate, lessons it amazingly starts to sink in.  For example: My two and a half year old learning that it is disrespectful to throw her brothers toys.  My five year old is learning that he needs to respect his older brother’s space (the top bunk bed), even though they share a room.  And my seven year old is learning that he needs to respect Mom and Dad’s time in the evening when he’s supposed to be in bed.

            It just wouldn’t be a normal day without having to remind our children to respect each other in some way, shape, or form.  Our boys don’t always get along, I know big shocker, but we try to teach them that the other person isn’t a “Dummy Head” just because they don’t agree with you.  We talk to them about how it is disrespectful to call people names, and even if you don’t agree with them you still need to respect their opinion.  At this point my five year old remembers the “don’t call people names” part, but my seven year old is starting to remember the part about respecting others opinions.

            When one of our kids gets ‘caught’ being disrespectful I try phrase it exactly like that.  “Stop.  You’re being disrespectful when you ____________.”  I’m sure you can fill in the blank.  When it comes to doling out the consequences of their poor choice, we usually default to the time out spot to let them calm down and think about what would have been a better choice (see previous posts about time out).  Sometimes that doesn’t weight heavy enough in their minds and they keep “forgetting” about choosing the right.  So we have other creative ways of reminding them.  For example: When my seven year old called his brother “stupid” he had to turn right around apologize, and give three reasons why he loves his brother.  The result: Ego boost to the little brother and a nice reminder to the older brother about why he really does love his little brother.  Another example was the time my five year old broke his little sister’s toy.  He had to go find a toy of his, that she would like, and give it to her, permanently, to make up for it.

            Between all the whining and complaining, and especially the rolling of the eyes, when I talk about respect, I do hope and pray that my kids will learn to be respectful at a young age.  One can only hope that they make enough poor choices as kids when the consequences are small and affordable.

Both of my boys push and pull their laundry basket into the laundry room once a week and shove as many clothes into the washing machine as possible.  We have a front loading washer which makes it very convenient for them to reach, but my seven year old thinks it would be much more fun if we had a top loading washer so that he could play basketball with his dirty clothes.  The boys don’t sort their clothes out by darks or lights, we just shove it all in and wash it on a cold cycle.  Life in general is a lot easier when you don’t have to sort it out. 

I measure and pour in the laundry soap and toss the soap cup in with the clothes.  Then I let the boys push the right buttons to start the washing machine.  I usually set the buzzer alarm for when the wash is done so that the boys know when it is time to switch the laundry to the dryer, but it’s amazing how selective their hearing is on laundry day.  After a quick reminder they have no problem putting the wet clothes into the dryer and I start the dryer for them since they can’t reach the buttons.  When that’s done they take all the clean clothes out of the dryer and put them into their laundry basket and take it back to their room to be sorted and put away.  We have some fun tips and tricks I’ll share with you in my next post (we’re going to make a video)!

So you might be asking yourself, “How do you actually get them to do it without the whining, moaning and groaning?”

Well, I give them a choice: either do your laundry or go naked.  It really is their choice.  My four year old actually gets excited about running around naked instead of doing his laundry, but that is short lived when he realizes he can’t go outside and play and/or he gets cold, which ever comes first.  My seven year old decided he’d just wear dirty clothes, which was fine until I put them all in the washing machine and that’s where they stayed, nice and wet.  I gave him a choice, he could either put them in the dryer or just leave them there, because I was not going to switch them over, I had already done him the favor of washing them.  He quickly caught on to the fact that he was going to have to be the one to put them in the dryer, and pull them out when they were done, or else he was going to school the next day in his pajamas or wet clothing.  Again totally his choice. 

I love it when my kids have to make choices!  They learn so quickly that way!

My boys have come to learn that having clean clothing is a previlage that they have earned through their hard work.  The day after laundry day, when all their clothes are hanging up in their closet and they can choose anyone of them, they really get excited.  They’re proud of themselves because they know that they created this good feeling through their own efforts.  I just love it when my kids are happy and proud of themselves, when I have less work to do, and laundry day isn’t for another week!

The other day I armed myself with toilet bowl cleaner, the scrubber and a package of sanitizing wipes and grabbed my boys.  They wanted to know if they were taking a bath and without missing a beat I told them yes, they would be taking a bath in the toilet.  After the ensuing “Ew, gross!” they stood there staring at toilet and then looked at me with my cleaning arsenal and they got the hint.

With all the patience I could muster I taught my boys how to clean the toilet, and I mean really clean the toilet.  How to not only scrub the bowl and wipe off the seat and rim, but how to clean under the tank (where my boys can shoot pee right under) and how to scrub the wall, floors and bath tub surrounding the toilet.  It was a beautiful thing!  No not the clean toilet, my kids cleaning!  I should have taken a picture.  I must have been too immersed in the cleaning battle to think about it.

In the end, my boys actually enjoyed it because of the pride they felt for a job well done.  I learned that scrubbing toilets was a job with many rewards.  My initial point was to have the boys clean the toilet so maybe they would learn how hard it was to clean up the mess they had made of it, and to be grateful that I had done it so many times for them.  Well, that’s not the lesson they took away from it, but I’m glad, because they learned something so much more valuable.  They learned the value of working hard and doing a good job.

Needless to say the toilet only stayed clean for a few hours until Bradley got up that night in a groggy state to go pee when he forgot to lift the lid to the toilet.  It was just like a horse peeing on a rock.  Yes I made him clean it up and yes he learned the lesson all over again about hard work, but also a most valuable lesson about lifting the toilet lid. :-)

I don’t think that any child who is old enough to use the potty is too young to clean it (to a certain extent).  I wouldn’t let my two and a half year old use the toilet bowl cleaning chemicals but I definitely let her wipe off the lid, tank and handle with a sanitizing wipe.  She too is learning how to work hard and do a good job and at this age she loves to be involved in the cleaning.  It takes two to three times longer for the job to get done, but the rewards are so much better than just a clean toilet!

Well, I’ve learned that God doesn’t make mistakes.  He knew what he was doing when he sent you your children.

He sent you your children knowing full well that you were going to get mad at them.  That you would yell at them.  Yes, even spank them.  He even knew that when your child took a flying leap off of the top of the bunk bed and got hurt that you would say “I told you so!” before you consoled him or her.  He knew that you weren’t going to keep an up-to-date scrapbook of their entire childhood.  He knew that you would start a tradition and sometimes forget.  He knew that you wouldn’t be there for every game.  He knew that you would feed them Lucky Charms for dinner.  He knew that you wouldn’t be able to catch them every time they fell.  He knew that you would wish them to be quiet and go away at 6:00am on Saturday mornings.  He knew that there would be times that you resented the fact you were the Mom.  He knew that you would have moments of great weakness that your children would witness.  And yet, despite all those things, he still sent you your children, specifically to you with a great purpose in mind.

God doesn’t make mistakes.  He hand picked your children to be yours because He knew that you were not going to be a good mother.  He knew you would be the best mother.  He knew that no other mother that ever lived or ever would live would be the best mother for that child besides you.  Despite all your faults and weaknesses your child was ment to be yours.  He knew you would be the best mother for them.

He knew that you would love them more than anyone else ever could.  He knew that you would make the biggest fool of yourself just to get them to smile.  He knew that your heart would explode with pride the first time that they said Mama.  He knew that you would be their biggest fan.  He knew that your heart would break when their heart broke.  He knew how many tears you would shed for them.  He knew that you would go to the ends of the earth just to hug them.  He knew that throughout your child’s life, full of trials and tribulations, that you would be the one that they needed.  He knew how much you were willing to sacrifice for them.  He knew you would die for them.

God doesn’t make mistakes, but He knew you would, and that your children would.  He knew that you would love them regaurdless.   He knew they needed you to be their mother, and you needed them to be your children.

He knows you.  He knows them.  And that’s why His plan is perfect.  He doesn’t make mistakes.

Go ahead and congratulate or berate yourself on being a “good mother”.  But always know this:  You are the best mother.

So here are our questions that keep my seven year old out of time out . . .

1.  Why do you think you are in time out?

2.  What could you have done differently so that you wouldn’t be in time out right now?

3.  Will you try to choose the right from now on?  _____ YES  _____ NO

4.  What do you think you could do now to make amends?

That’s it.  Four simple questions that seem to be the worst thing in the world to have to sit in time out and answer.  I hope this helps keep your kids out of time out too.

My four year old is all too familiar with our time out spot.  I pretty sure he’s worn an indention in the floor where he sits to think about his choices that led him there.  With my seven year old the time out spot became a total joke until we added the time out sheet.  Our time out sheet has questions on it like;  Why do you think you are in time out?  If you broke a rule what rule was it?  What could you do differently next time?  I love the time out sheet because it really makes him think about what happened as he fills it out.  He holds himself accountable for his own choices and realizes the consequences.

As much as the time out spot has become a staple so has the hug and apology that follows (usually to the little sister).  If for nothing else, time out is a place where the kids can calm down before they return to play.  But sometimes it’s not the kids who need the time out. 

Around 5:00pm (the bewitching hour for my kids) I reach the end of my patience.  Between cooking dinner, getting ready for my dance class and trying to keep my kids out of the snack cupboard, I loose it!  So instead of throwing my kids out the window, I just loudly announce that mommy has to go to time out.  Of course my kids look at me like I’ve lost my marbles, but it’s effective, and I head out the door to the garage.  In our garage I have a large punching bag called “Mommy’s Sanity”.  For some reason beating the crap out of the punching bag  for two minutes seems to return me to my kids in a much better state of mind and I feel like I can cope for a little while longer, or at least till my husband gets home.

So whether it’s in the garage, or in a bathroom with a lock on the door, Mommy’s (and Daddy’s) need their own time outs too.  It’s just too bad time out couldn’t always be at the spa.

I’m sad to say, but none the less happy to report, that I too became a true mother.  It’s never one of those moments you dream about, it’s just one of those things that was bound to happen and, of course, when you least expected it.

It started off like any other normal day.  My son was about three at the time and he had just woken up and crawled into my bed and asked for his morning sippy cup full of chocolate milk.  After I had retrieved his chocolate milk and turned on the cartoons I hurried into the bathroom to try and get my shower done before the baby woke up.  I was in and out in less than five minuets and had just gotten my underwear on when I heard my son moaning.  I walked into the room to the side of my bed where he was lying propped up on my pillows.  I asked him in a sympathetic voice ”What’s wrong honey, you don’t look like you’re feeling so good?”  He slowly started to sit up and said “Mom, I don’t feel good.”  He had just reached his knees and faced me when suddenly his whole body heaved and he threw up.  That’s when my motherly instincts must have kicked in because I dove with my hands cupped and tried to ”catch” the vomit.

Now let me ask you this . . . what person in their right mind tries to catch vomit!?!  Logically I knew that I would not be able to catch, let alone hold, a belly full of chocolate milk in my hands, but none the less I still tried.  It just seemed like the right thing to do at the time.

When he was finished emptying his stomach into my hands (and spraying my freshly cleansed body with vomit) I told him to stay right there and that I’d be right back.  To prevent myself from adding to the mess, I started to wash off my hands, my body and my face, when I caught sight of myself in the mirror.  There staring right back at me was a true mother.  A mother who had just done one of those weird mom things that you had only witnessed your own mother doing (like trying to catch kid vomit in her hands).

The whole time I cleaned up my sick little boy in the tub, changed the sheets on my bed and scrubbed the carpet I couldn’t stop thinking about how surreal and weird the whole thing was.  Sure my son had put me to the test before with nursing and diaper changes but those were all normal things to expect.  It’s the not so normal things.  The things you think you’ll never do, but that inevitably end up happening when you least expected them to.  Those are the things that really define you as a true mother.

So I’m curious, what was your truly defining motherly moment?  Did you find yourself doing any of those totally bazaar mom things you swore you’d never do?  If so please share by clicking on ’Read users comments’ below.  Thanks for sharing!  And happy mothering!

Come to think of it, is saying trick or treat really a question or a threat?  My two year olds motto is; forget even saying it at all.  She just holds her hand straight out, demanding candy.

After running around the neighborhood trying to keep up with my kids, and loosing my voice from shouting at them to wait for their sister, I drag into the house to be bombarded with the idea of them eating more sugar.  Just what they need before bedtime!  Of course they have to sort the candy and then carfully weigh their options as to which candy they are going to eat first.  Then after much coaxing, bribing and threatening they finally go to bed and I colapse into the couch and ask my husband to please remind me why we do this?  And then he hands me a Reeses’ Peanutbutter cup, and I remember.

So from now on I’m not going to wish parents a Happy Halloween, I’m going to wish them a Happy Week After Halloween!  The week when all parents are rewarded, for the time and effort they put into making Halloween memories, with each piece of candy they eat.

Happy Week After Halloween!